*Lydia, who lives in the South of Mahe, Seychelles, found herself pregnant after being raped by a family friend she trusted. She tells Cosmocreole why she kept the baby and why she is living with a lie to protect her son.
Lydia was a teenager, full of life, bright and had her future mapped out. She was very academic and took her studies seriously, but she loved going out with her friends like most teenagers. One Saturday, she went out with her friends to Katiolo (a club on Mahe), but after being there for a couple of hours, she wasn’t feeling well, so she told her friends that she was going out to find a ride and to go home and that was when spotted her friend.
” I saw him; I asked him if he wouldn’t mind dropping me home. He had his father’s car. He said yes. I knew him. He was a family friend, our parents were friends, and he was five years older than me. He had shown interest in me in the past and asked for more than friendship, and I said no. I was still a teenager, and I had zero interest in relationships. I wanted to be on my own – concentrate on my studies. And I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, and I trusted him to respect my decision.
“I was not drunk; I just didn’t feel well. On our way home, he stopped the car in a deserted area off the road. There were no houses nearby; it was a secondary road which led to some houses further, including mine. I felt uneasy. I got out of the car and calmly told him I’d walk for the rest of the journey. Deep down, I was scared as it was dark and there were no lights. He got out of the car, and suddenly, I felt him get too close. I just really wasn’t comfortable with it, and I tried to push him back. I could smell the alcohol on his breath. I panicked. I froze to the spot.
“He then pulled me behind a tree. He was overpowering, and he pinned me to the ground. I honestly cannot tell whether I fought him. It was like my body had gone into shock. It was like time had stood still, and he was very forceful. When he was done, I picked myself up and just ran. I was in excruciating pain, and everything was blurry. That day was my first sexual encounter. I was a romantic; I wanted to find the perfect boyfriend and wanted my first time to be special with someone who respected and loved me. Unfortunately, he took that dream away from me that day.”
After that horrible night, Lydia became a recluse; she stopped socialising and didn’t talk to anyone at all about what happened. She said, “I just wanted to erase that memory. I thought not talking about it would help. I also felt I would be judged, and people would say I had deliberately put myself in that position or it was my fault. I felt that because I knew him, it didn’t count as rape in the same way as if I had been attacked by someone I didn’t know. So I focused on my studies to distract myself.”
Finding out she was pregnant
At the time of the assault, Lydia was in her final year of post-secondary doing her A’levels. It was July, and she sat her exams in November that year. Lydia never saw a period after that night and knew she was pregnant. ” I was in denial and ignored the possibility that I may be pregnant. At around October time, just a few weeks before my exams, my mother started eyeing me suspiciously but never said anything; by now, I knew I was pregnant. I had put on some weight, but not enough to look pregnant. My breasts changed, and so did my body. I still kept quiet.”
“After the final exams, I got the courage and told my mother I thought I was pregnant. All hell broke loose. My mother told me how disappointed she was in me, and my father was so angry when he found out that he slapped me and demanded the father’s name. I could ‘t bring myself to say I was raped and who was the father. I kept saying I couldn’t say, and needless to say, my father kicked me out of the house. I moved in with a relative, and the story of my life – I had ruined my life, and I slept with a married man because I refused to say the name of the father to protect him. The next five months were my worst nightmare. I had to go to pre-natal classes and consultations, and I could feel the stares, judgements and sometimes disapproval.”
Life post-pregnancy
Lydia didn’t consider abortion even if she knew it was an option if she had acknowledged what she was going through earlier. “I’m not anti-abortion at all – I think it’s a personal choice based on circumstances. But personally, it felt that the act of killing the baby was going to make it worse for me mentally. Perhaps I was naive to think like that.”
In the new year, she picked up her A’level results, and three months later, she gave birth to a baby boy. She said she had genuinely fallen in love for the first time. ” I instantly fell in love with my baby; his father avoided eye contact. I don’t know if, at that time, he knew I was pregnant as a result of his crime. I knew I was probably the subject of conversations at home because his father and my father were good friends.
” A couple of months after my son’s birth, my parents reconciled with me, and I moved back home. My younger sister adored her nephew. I made it clear that I didn’t want to talk about the past, about what everyone called ‘my mistake’. My mother was amazing at helping me with my son.”
Lydia was determined to make a good life for her son and herself despite her circumstances and got accustomed to the gossip and whispers behind her back. “I learnt to ignore what people thought of me. My exam results were outstanding. I got a job as a civil servant, and I worked hard. Eventually, I got an in-service scholarship and went overseas to study. I took my son with me; we had the best three years of our lives. No one knew me there; there was no whispering behind my back, and I could truly be myself. It was hard, but I had something to prove.”
How is Lydia now?
“My son is eighteen years old, bright, a gentle soul and the spitting image of his grandfather, my father. I told him who his father was. Seychelles is a small country, and I wanted him to know his family, so when he was about ten years old, I told my parents who the father was. My rapist is aware that he is the father too, but what people don’t know is that he forced himself on me. We do not play happy family because I want nothing to do with him. I avoid him and his family at all costs. People assume I had a one-night stand or a secret relationship with him, and I’ve never confirmed nor denied the stories. I do not talk about it.
“I still get flashbacks of that night. It took me fourteen years before I had sex with another man. I was 33 years old. I now acknowledge that what happened to me was not my fault. It wasn’t me who ‘ruined’ that part of my life; somebody else did. I have no resentment towards my son because what happened to me was not his fault. I do not regret having my son because he reminds me of my resilience and strength. His birth gave me the strength to accomplish so much in my life. Hand on my heart, I can honestly say I love him so much, and the way he came into this world doesn’t affect our bond.
“I also kept quiet about the rape because I never wanted my son to be pre-judged by anybody, and their interaction with him or me would be different if people knew the truth. So, I feel the one thing that’s made me cope with what happened to me is that I have always loved and protected my son. I also taught him from a very young age how to value friendship and respect the opposite sex and their boundaries.”
*Lydia’s name has been changed to protect her identity
